WARNING; long ass drama insomnia entry.

omg. im sooo bored. thought bout writing something here =) oh mahn` it`s already 2.09 in the morning, i should be in bed right now but im obviously not. i have insomnia straight up` it`s all good. so what`s new with me?! errh* nothin` much. all dramaz. sickening. but stil goin`with the flow. argh life. Pigoy is at work right now. yes, his stupid ass works from 9PM til 4AM. he`s like the first person` i know who loves to work at closing. oh wellz tha hell. i let him do whatever he likes. not all of em though. lol. hmm* we still hang out. he sleepover when he can, which is 95% of the time lmao. uhm right now. i really don`t do nothin since i`m jobless & schoo[less]. i just made up that word! lol i know it`s wrong. whatever. i`ve been doin` lots of private entries on my other xanga. i really don`t let people even my friends know everything that is goin` on my life. i only let em know what i want em to know coz i don`t wanna cause more drama than what i already have in my life. I HAVE TRUST ISSUES NOW [something i never thought i`d do] i don`t trust people as much as i do before anymore, one thang i learned on a HARD WAY is that friends always ends fcuking you up. basically not on general i mean you probably have BETTER friends than i do, WAY BETTER, obviously! and i say treasure em but ALWAYS LEAVE SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF because in` the end there`s always gonne be just one person that you can always depend on` and that`s YOURSELF.. i swear and i am seriously talking from experience. i`m a fond of learning things the hard way. I LIKE IT HARDCORE! LOL. it hurt me soo much but there`s nothing else i can do but to get it over with, soo stressful having to think bout it day after day. i already forgave em. it`s just that I NEVER FORGETS that`s just how i am, but i don`t go out and used it against em when it gets down to gritty gritty. i`m not that kinda person`. like yakno. for me now, i kept a lotta thangs just to myself and always ask God for guidance coz he`s the only one i know out there that i could really truly trust aside from my parents. and yeah i seriously think that i`m ON MY WAY on becoming a better person. i remember how my parents ALWAYS tells me that FRIENDS COME & GO and i`m like yeah whatever. i didn`t pay that much attention` to it because i never thought something close like what happened to me could really happen... TO ME! coz i know that i deserve so much BETTER than to be treated like blahz. my parents were right, i should`ve listened. i should`ve left even a lil for myself so it didn`t have to hurt this bad. when i was goin` thru my TOUGH TIMES. i had nobody there for me but myself. i feel like they didn`t care, i felt soo alone but i knew i had to get up and go back to where i left off. I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE SPECIALLY MY FRIENDS for everything that happened in my life. it`s ALL ON ME. everything that i am going thru right now are just the CONSEQUENCES OF THE CHOICES AND ACTIONS THAT I MADE IN THE PAST. all i`m saying is that i should`ve put myself before anything else. i don`t know i`m not giving myself credits or something but i saw what this can do me and it didn`t do me nothing GOOD, yakno how i always put others before me. i always thought it`s good that it`s going to pay off but it never did. but then again` ITS ALL ON ME. i have nothing to blame everything to but MYSELF. that`s why i`m very much dissapointed in myself. i know i can do BETTER but i always kept messing shit up on` the process and i can`t seem to figure out why. right now. i don`t even know how and where to start. there are many times that i feel like just GIVING UP and LOOSING HOPE, but i have DREAMS AND PLANS FOR MYSELF THAT I WANNA DO. and i know that even there`s not that much people counting on me, i still don`t wanna let em down. i`m not in school right now and i thought it`s a good thang. i probably needed this break for myself to really figure out what i wanna do in my life coz obviously nothing where i am is never what i have planned for myself. i always thought i would excel and just be great. like what my parents and my brothers thought i would, but i fail not only myself but also those people who once believed and kept believing in me. and just thinkin` bout it makes me sad, i always CRY. coz i hate letting people down specially my Dad, what i did to him is something that I KNOW, i will always regret no matter what and no matter where this life take me. they say don`t live in regrets but when i think of what i`ve done i couldn`t help but do. if only i could turned back time i definitely would. i should`ve made SMARTER AND MATURE DECISIONS. right now, i `m just trying to get by the day and just think thangs through on how i will not make the same mistakes again and I KNOW I WON`T. i am surely not ever going to get close on doing that EVER AGAIN. i`ve had enough of my bullshit. lol. yess im serious. yay. and to those people who never thought i`d make it. fuck you bitches. i am telling you right now I WILL SHINE THE FCUK ON and when i do, i wanna see you say everything that you said bout me ON MY BACK and ON MY FACE, right on my face AGAIN and just watch you stutter. it would be a long way for me. I AM NOT AFRAID to say that i am scared to what lies ahead of me to get to where i wanna be, BUT I WILL FACE IT and i assure you that i will get there NO MATTER WHAT. without even asking a thing from you, coz bitch you make me sick. and your the someone i will always feel sorry for, with the way you treat people, you don`t deserve respect specially MY RESPECT. fuck you! WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND BITCH, so i don`t care if your not nice to me, you can shove that all up your ass and better yet CHOKE TO DEATH on it! fuck you and how you treated my family. i am soo not done with you..... [inhale exhale// inhale exhale// inhale exhale] HAYY TOO MUCH ANGER i know. lol. i don`t know she can kiss my fat ass, i really don`t care bout her. just please don`t ask who she is. lol. okayy i`ll tell she`s my AUNTIE. gawsh if you know her, you`ll be like hell yeaaaaaaaaa FCUK THAT BITCH! lol. oh mahn` you just don`t know how bad she treats people not only me or my family but also others around her she always do something without even thinking if she`s already hurting someone. argh asshole. anyway i think this is done i guess lol. til next insomnia session` =) remember my name bitch lol. i will see you.. awwwwwww no worries i`m okay. hmm not so okay. but i know i will be okay. i will get through this just fine, knowing that i have God, my family, Pigoy and some friends behind my back all the way, makes me feel that i`ll be alright..<33

awww my dearr old xanga.. i miss writing hereeee. i was reading my past entries and it just bring back the ol good times.. [hs days & jayr days] dang lol. it sure is time fly wayy fast. anyway and why do i have premium?! am i the only one who have this?! sooo weird. hmm* school is comin` up for everybody who is goin`. which excludes me. lol.. well to all goodluck. make this year a good one. as for me. i don`t know.. lol. sux.. i`m missing my boyfriend. i haven`t seen him since hmm* wednesday. but he`ll be back tomorrow night. so i MIGHT see him tomorrow or the next day. whatevers.. today were goin` again to the park. picnic with the family. and yesterday was greeat my Dad took us shopping. i bought a lot. i felt bad and still do lol. okiie i`ll be a good girl. but i am though. kk fioneee! i`ll TRY. lol.. i just hate the fact that they expect a lot from me, so everytime i messed shit up` they`ll be soo devastated and i will be just guilty and crap and then it`ll happen again. argh.. its a cycle that won`t stop.. i have to find me a job` so i`ll have something to do over MY BREAKK! how cool is that?! lol.. i already emailed ate Arlyn and she said she could help so i dunno` hopefully it all just be fine.. i miss working with her. it`s been a year now since the last timeee.. so that should be really fun. i miss my highschool friends. i left Kathleen a msg in her xanga, since she updated. so hopefully she gets back at me, which i know faosho she will, just have to wait. i`m really looking forward for the 8 months with the boyfriend [9145] i`m scared and happy all at the same time.. scared because his longest in a relationship is 8months and then booooom OVER! i just don`t wanna be like that.. i want to make a new record for him` wahah. im sucha dorkk.. lol okayy and happy because after everything that we`ve been through, were still together.. lol.. crazy shit.. yess. being on a relationshipp isn`t easy.. you see if being in a relationship is just as easy as you may think it is, then i don`t think it`ll be that worthwhilee..oh wellz gtgs. oh and you could visit my new xanga if ya like<33

http://www.xanga.com/MzMaldita

i can now finally call u mine (=

hammy & iggy [kulet ng tawagan namin noh? how unique!]

est.011404

last night, i was on the phone with him, we were talking & shiet. & out of nowhere, he asked me if i love him & i can`t even answer him back, & i dun`t know why, it`s not that i dun`t have any feelings for him, coz hell, that`s BULLSHIET! but i dun`t know. i always find myself in denial when it comes to that shiet. i even told him that "i feel like there`s a lot more to what i`m showing u. & i feel like there`s also a lot u should know to what i really feel bout u. it`s just that i always find myself holding back coz i dun`t wanna get hurt again" it`s soo weird. he even said i love you. & all i said was "don`t say it when u dun`t mean it" & he`s like of course i mean it. i was gonna say "well it`s nah like ur gonna tell me the truth anyway coz u know i`ll get hurt & shiet" but instead i just shut my mouth, coz i dun`t want us to argue. i just feel like it`s too EARLY for us to say i love you to each other, u know. whatevers.. but yeah it really does make me think, did he really mean that i love you that he said? i honestly don`t believe him & i dun`t know why. but i hope it`s true & he means it though. argh i`m sooo stupid, how could i hope sucha thing if i dun`t even believe him. but i want him to mean it, who doesn`t right? but what if he really does? & i`m just the one who kept thinkin` bout shiet on how he might not mean it & he`s just all makin it up. why am i being so negative about him & me?

i think my song really tells it all..

Saying I love you,
Is not the words,
I want to hear from you,
It's not that I want you,
Not to say but if you only knew,
How easy,
it would be to show me how you feel..

More than words,
is all you have to do,
to make it real,
Then you wouldn't have to say,
that you love me,
Cause I'd already know.

howcome i find it soo hard to believe every single word he say? it`s nah like he has done something really bad to me or something. or maybe it`s because i`ve always known him & see him as someone who jokes around a lot that`s why... i think? coz in our barkada he`s basically the one who makes everybody laugh & make silly jokes & shiet. argh i hate this! even if he just say he misses me i`ll be like "okay" but hey i do tell him that i miss him too but not all the time. argh i`m soo weird hehe. hayy.. this sux. hehe.. but yeah one thing i know for sure is that i`m happy whenever i`m with him =) i hope i get to see him today.. laters xanga.

hey..  it`s my brother`s birthday today. just stayed home the whole day, had dinner at Sizzlers in` Rego Park. it was fun coz i finally get to spend time with my whole family since we celebrated my birthday last week. coz u know how i`ve been comin home really late frum gmiks..

didn`t get to see my iggy today. i really miss him. but it`s aight, i guess, i saw him yesterday anyway & get to spend time with him. hehe.. & i just got off the phone with him & Jay. they`re on Bojie`s cribb righ now. they`re askin me to go but u know how i can`t go out now since it`s really late..

iggy`s ex girlfriend is really annoying me. didn`t she just broke up with couple of weeks ago. take note. she DID all the breaking up & now she`s all wanting him back. going to his friendster & changin` madd shiet. specially his status! that`s some messed up shiet biatch. i thought u didn`t want him anymore? whatever. & yeah dapat sasagutin ko na si Iggy but i just can`t since ur ass in on the way, buggin us like crazy! i would really teach yo psycho ass a lesson one of these days.. argh.. anyway as for Iggy & me. were doin aight, nothin new. were still not together.. wow big surprise eh? but anyway i like him & i don`t think that`s ever going to change. but yeah i always tell myself to expect for the worst & just hope for the best. i really hope everything will be alright soon.. *cross fingers*

okayy.. so they did..

broke up couple of days ago.. don't really know how to react. it`s sooo weird coz isn`t this what i've wanted? for them to break up so that we can be together finally. but i dunt know i somehow feel soo weird.. ofcourse i`m happy & sad at the same time.. i dunt understand myself either. or maybe im thinkin too much again..

what if they got back together? what if they both can`t get over each other. coz it`s 8 months. that`s NO joke. what if i just stop thinkin` bout all this WHAT IF`S & be more positive bout me & him for ONCE.. arghhhhhh soooo hard!!!

i dunt know what`s gonna happen between me & him after this whole thing. but i really hope that everything will be just alright.